YOU CAN BUY THE THUMBNAIL OF THIS POST AS MERCH ON REDBUBBLE! YAY!
You can read the archive of the 2ch thread here!
Hope you’ll like this post. I feel like it will be not only a nice piece of entertainment, but there’ll be a lesson too at the end. Like Sesame Street.
Also shoutout to vgperson for archiving this gem! I pray you retained your sanity after exposure to this critical level of degeneracy.
Setting the stage
The internet is a crazy place. Scratch that. The internet is the town hall for the crazies. It’s the pair of glasses from They Live; it shows the insane world that has been there all along. These batshit insane people are everywhere on the internet, and they make up… eh, about 0.5% of the whole internet userbase? Even that feels generous.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: that number seems way too low, I must have very high standards for what qualifies as crazy, etc etc. But I’m not wrong. Think about it: most of the internet is inaccessible to web crawlers. It’s the databases, intranets, and password-protected sites, most referred to as the common term deep web. So whatever you and I experience when using a web browser or mobile apps with web APIs, that’s in the roughly 10% of the internet that’s accessible.
From that, we deduct most users who don’t interact, but simply consume content, and by content I mean even simple comments. They are the lurkers, and they make up about 90% of of the internet userbase according to Nielsen.
You can skip doing math on this and simply Google the 90-9-1 Rule, to convince yourself that 1% of internet users are active participants. So I mean it when I say I’m generous when I say that half the shit people say on the internet is genuine. Way, waaaaay too generous, but I didn’t want to lowball that initial 0.5 even harder or I would’ve lost you in the first paragraph.
What about the other 0.5%? That’s something that should be pretty obvious for anyone who grew up with internet access, or at the very least got it at a fairly young age, like I did: NOT EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS REAL, SOME PEOPLE LIE FOR THEIR OWN AMUSEMENT, AND OTHER PEOPLE TAKE TROLLING AT FACE VALUE.
The fact that people lie on the internet as easily as they breathe should be pretty obvious, but some instances of internet trolling even made the news. I guess it’s fun to lie on the internet, as you’re protected by anonymity, and getting a rise out of people is fun if you’re 12 or have little accomplishments in life. Whether the subject of today’s post falls into this category, I’ll leave that to you to decide. I’ll tell you my own take on this at the end, in order not to spoil the journey.
Anyway, the topic of today’s post is a nice piece of internet history, coming from the land of the Rising Sun, anime, humanoid robots, and train groping: Japan. Some of you might have even seen this before. Others probably didn’t. This was apparently posted back in 2011, so it’s not ancient history, but it ain’t new either, and in internet time, days can become years.
Before you go any further, I suggest you actually click on the link at the top and read the archive of the posts for yourself. The story will be spoiled below!
Gather ’round, for it’s time to hear the tale of Denko and her stalker, or the title of the initial 2ch thread: The Girl I Like Won’t Respond to My Emails (´･ω･`)
The characters
Who are the memorable characters of our tale?
OP: the guy who submitted the original post, a person who may or may not be a troll.
2CH: users of the Japanese forum 2ch, their original usernames were gathered under this umbrella identity in the archival post I linked at the top.
Denko: OP’s subject of obsession, a Japanese girl OP claims to had feelings for since high school, and now they’re in college together; only mentioned. May or may not be a real person.
Denko’s mother: a woman who had the misfortune, like her offspring, to cross paths with OP; only mentioned.
A-ko: a girl in Denko’s class who OP uses to buy information about Denko from; only mentioned.
OP’s brother: former actor and probably the only reason Denko did not have a restraining order on OP. He and OP don’t talk; only mentioned.
OP’s mother: only mentioned.
The premise
OP, let’s call him hamster guy due to the borderline compulsive use of the ASCII emoticon (´･ω･`), posted on the forum 2ch (no relation to the fourth channel) a thread about how he worked up the courage to exchange numbers with a girl he likes since high school. I’m using ‘he’ because it’s heavily implied that OP is male. OP posts about how he and Denko are now in college and exchanging texts (emails, which is something Japanese kids used to do instead of texting in the early 2000s, probably because faxing by phone was not possible), yet he is worried that Denko has not been replied in 3 days. He’s basically posting this to ask for advice.
The plot thickens…
Now, unlike an M. Night film, the first twist comes pretty early on. I’ll post one of OP’s replies verbatim, and let you figure out if the signs of anything wrong are already present or not.
#OP
At first, we just talked about how strange it was we only started emailing in college despite being in the same year of high school.
What I’m sending… well, I’m worried about her lack of reply, so I’ve sent her around 600 emails.
They’re mostly reports on my current mental state, I guess…? (´･ω･`)
600 emails
600 emails
600 emails
Ok, this is the first blow, but we’ll let that slide. Culture difference, right? Well, no, not according to the replies to this. Here’s a curated selection of some fine posts replying to this new piece of information:
#2ch
Troll sighted.
And if you’re not? Give it up.
#2ch
Knows he doesn’t have any friends.
Oozes human filth right down to his emoticons.
And sending 600 emails in three days is stalker-level creepy…
#2ch
…(゜д゜)
Of course, as we discussed in the foreword of this video, the internet is a place of anonymity where people can pretty much say whatever they want without repercussions. Now, do you think the other forum members read this confession to stalker behavior and decided to put a stop to it, or do you think they joined in?
#2ch
Why wouldn’t she respond if she wasn’t dumping you?
If something happened, maybe her power went out!
Try calling her up, it should at least get her attention.
And according to him, he does call her (after providing some more examples of degeneracy by posting some unintentionally funny exchanges with Denko), then immediately hangs up in fear.
If this is satire, it does have a good grasp of both cringe humor and the trials and tribulations of introverts. If it’s not, then…
#2ch
God damn, I’ve never seen such a revolting sack of crap.
Escalation
#OP
I TALKED WITH DENKO! And I invited her to see the cherry blossoms!
Apparently her schedule was packed at work, so she said some other time! Oh well, still good news!
Gotta buy some clothes now… (´･ω･`) Hurry hurry…
The plot moves forward and the hamster guy at least manages to spill his spaghetti to the poor girl, only to be politely rejected. The story could wrap up here and end up just as an embarrassing footnote in a guy’s awkward phase. Alas, fate had more in store for this misunderstood soul (´･ω･`). Ah, goddamit, now it rubbed on me.
Well, I think hamster guy read too much between the lines of that exchange, because what most people would interpret as thanks but no thanks, he read as Yes, take me to the deck of Titanic and teach me how to spit into the ocean.
To be fair to the 2ch users, it was around this part that more of them started to call OP out on his bullshit, and we can safely say that he was stringing them along with his oblivious attitude, being all self deprecating and asking them not to make fun of him and his lack of dating experience. Hamster guy was pushing all the right buttons to get his audience to participate in his saga of one-sided romance. Also, like any good writer, he did some world building.
#OP
Denko helped me out when I was being badly bullied in high school.
Denko’s smart and kind, so she was like everyone’s role model.
When I sat next to her in class, I often borrowed her notebooks and erasers and we became friends.
We made eye contact a lot in class, too… (´･ω･`)
Now, remember earlier where I said that hamster guy was showing stalker behavior, and the other users jumped on the bandwagon and started encouraging him, even though saner people would’ve either disregarded this thread as a trolling attempt or advised him to stop. Well, things got a bit dark. I don’t mean to sound like some moralistic asshole, as there are little things I hate more, and I made it pretty clear that I’m skeptical about this whole scenario, but just for the 0.000001% chance that this is all real, how do you, in good conscience, say something like this?
#2ch
You’re hopeless. Find out her house and her workplace.
Girls love overbearing go-getter guys.
OP, do this if you can: Follow her to her work, her house, and her classes every day.
At this point, if OP takes this user’s advice, we are escalating to Bjork-stalker-level of danger to this hypothetical woman named Denko.
Getting even darker
I rely a lot on quotes from this thread, but I feel it’s better to simply let you read for yourself the kind of shit these people encouraged OP to do. We got…
- Animal abuse
#2ch
Giving girls small animals as presents makes them most happy. ^^
Stuff thirty hamsters in a box and send them to her house, and she’ll be so surprised she’ll fall for OP in a flash!
So yeah, I think a thirty-hamster present would be good. ^^
- Doubling down on harassment
#2ch
Screw you guys. OP’s persistence should be COMMENDED.Sending massive amounts of emails out of worry!
Buying clothes to improve his appearance!And I say try even harder!
Send 1000 emails a day!
Girls love men who worry about them!
- More animal abuse
#2ch
OP, girls love sweet things too.
So once you’ve got your hamsters packed into a box, sprinkle the hamsters with about 10 kg of sugar until they’re hidden.
1. Girl opens box and can see nothing but sugar.
2. Hamster leaps out from sugar.
3. Girl is surprised! But hamsters are cute. Heart!
4. OP is so clever. Love! Heart.Got it? Get to it, OP!
In between all of this, we learn that hamster guy has a former actor brother who is probably the reason Denko did not pepper-spray him in the face for all those years. Also, after all those dark replies from the other users, I feel like OP is actually the most harmless one in the thread, and reading his email draft to the girl got a good chuckle out of me, especially the line:
Back then, I thought, “Why does this girl not have the wings an angel should have?”
I suppose you must have left them in your mother’s stomach…
The mail draft also got rave reviews lmao.
#2ch
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME#2ch
Perfection.
Nothing can be done to improve it.#2ch
This is worse than the love letter I wrote in fifth grade.#2ch
I don’t even…
The original thread extended to 1000+ replies, which is apparently a limit on 2ch, so IT ACTUALLY CONTINUED IN A 2ND PART. You can read for yourself what happened during the rest of part 1, but to summarize, this guy got outright rejected via email, called Denko on her phone insistently, then went to her house and introduced himself to her mother as Denko’s boyfriend…
The second thread 🥲
OP had to open a new thread the next day, and the first post is kind of a ‘previously on – unhinged 2ch user’, to help the rest of the audience catch up with the previous thousand of messages and the developments of his love life.
We get more examples of degenerate behavior, like:
#OP
I’m waiting at a cafe near her house to see if she passes by, but I haven’t seen her.
It’s in front of the station that goes to school, so she must take this route…I just want to know the truth in this unclear situation…
I like her so much, but I feel like I’ve been betrayed… (´･ω･`)[The love letter is reposted and someone requests the previous thread be summarized, so it is.]
(Note: I love that summary about the thread activity that the post archiver did, I like to read these in David Attenborough’s voice as if I’m watching a documentary on wild animals)
Also, this person is one of the rare decent posters on this thread:
#2ch
If she doesn’t want to say anything mean, then I’ll have to. Just… get away from her, now.
Ugh. Christ.
But each action has an equal and opposite reaction.
#2ch
Come on, lover boy, you’re lovers!
Tell her you came by to see Denko’s hot bod.
Gotta have humor in a lasting relationship, man.
I scrolled all the way to the bottom, skimming most of this as I saw that now the POLICE MIGHT GET INVOLVED.
ALSO, THERE’S A FUCKING THIRD PART. AT THIS POINT, IT’S JUST SUNKEN COST FALLACY FOR ME. IT’S LIKE A CAR CRASH I CAN’T LOOK AWAY FROM.
To tell you the truth, I read this years back, and I remember a bit that had me in stitches, but not that this was so long, so I’ll keep reading just to get to that part.
Third thread God end me already I’m ready for the pearly gates
Ok so third fucking thread letsgo
Gotta love how, as psychotic as the hamster guy is, he’s still funny as hell, voluntarily or not:
#OP
Me: “I love you, please go out with me!” (Abbreviated)
Denko: “Sure” (Non-abbreviated)
We learn that Denko, after being terrorized by this guy, has changed her phone number and email, and OP, aka hamster guy, crafty as he is, bought her new email and phone number for 60,000 yen from one of Denko’s school friends.
#OP
Well, Denko seems to be denying me her email, so I changed my address and I’m pretending to be one of her friends…
I need a way to casually ask what she thinks about me in a conversation… (´･ω･`)
This guy is like a proto-Discord mod. “Do not deny me your email address, kitten, daddy will get mad”. Absolute degenerate behavior. Well, he also reassured the other users, in all caps, that he has no intention of killing or r*ping Denko, which is something he also included in one of the emails to the poor girl. So… there’s that.
This part seems to be more of the same, even if the plot appears to move forward. It’s hamster guy who seems to get a bit more unhinged every now and then, like a psycho whose mask starts slipping, so the constant use of (´･ω･`) seems a bit unnerving now. Gotta respect the commitment to the bit, though.
Also, this part brings a bit of perspective on the vibe in Japan at the time these posts were being made, and why some would entertain it for so long.
#2ch
I would think this is a troll for sure, but that guy who got arrested a while ago was for real…
There are some serious crazies in the world.#2ch
Details on guy who got arrested?#2ch
There was a stalker thread by some art student going on about such-and-such his true love.
Everyone thought he was a troll, but then he got arrested.#2ch
^ It was Minami.#2ch
^ Wait, that was real?!
You can tell that they started to take things a bit seriously about this guy, because, like their American counterparts of the fourth channel, these 2ch users started doing detective work to find OP and hopefully prevent a future crime.
#2ch
Somebody call for a Snake?
I’ll go.#2ch
^ Please protect Denko.#2ch
^ You are our ray of light.#2ch
Where does OP live?#2ch
Same class as Denko in high school.
They both live with their parents.
College friends going flower-viewing in Yoyogi Park.
Given that stuff, I’m thinking they both live in the city.
And if it’s the Chuo line, I think the college is between Shinjuku and Mitaka.
If it were any further down than that, I don’t think they’d go to Yoyogi for flower-viewing.
Denko also sends OP a mail to an address he used to impersonate one of her friends, and one of the users posits that he gave it away by using the (´･ω･`), which is genuinely hilarious.
SO THERE ARE ACTUALLY 5 PARTS huh…
When I started writing this article, I expected to drop a few quotes and send you guys on your merry way to read the original. I still recommend you do, but here I am, over 3000 words in, absorbed into this story to a degree that I rarely am, even when watching movies or TV shows.
So, what’s this lunatic up to in part 4?
#OP
First, I paid Denko’s friend 20,000 yen to make sure my plan went smoothly.
I asked her to request Denko to go buy alcohol.
And then finally, finally I saw Denko again! (´･ω･`)
I didn’t want to suddenly call her, so to display my passion as her boyfriend, I snuck up from behind and hugged her… (´･ω･`)#OP
Denko’s body felt so warm… (´･ω･`)
It might have just been the best moment of my life. I don’t think I’m going to wash these clothes, so I don’t forget.
Denko was surprised too, and let out a really loud shriek and ran, but I wasn’t going to have that again!
I grabbed her arm so she couldn’t run. Because I wanted to hear her true feelings… (´･ω･`)
OP then goes on about being bullied in college (´；ω；`), and there’s some lovely ASCII art from what I gather is one of the users who posted in the thread at the time. Comment below if you found it, especially in text form, not as the posted screenshot.
We also get some character description, this late in the story.
#OP
Sorry, I meant to give some details about me… (´･ω･`)
I’ve never really written anything like this before, but, uh…
Hair: Tackey-esque
Face: Normal
Clothes: I don’t know much about them, but ordinary pants and shirts
Height: 170 cm, pretty normal
Personality: Quiet (´･ω･`)
Personality: Quiet (´･ω･`) is something I’ll put on my resume from now on.
It’s odd that in the thread about bullying, he specifically states that he doesn’t want to talk about Denko, but about his issue, so while this might seem contradictory and out of character (because it is), I assume that OP got tired of that shtick and decided to switch it up for one thread until he got new ideas. Either that, or he was off his meds that day, who knows.
Now this part is interesting, and I can read it in one of two ways: either a guy figured who OP is, or OP decided to play along with another troll.
#2ch
Do you have any idea how much trouble you’ve caused Tendou?
You need to apologize to Tendou for everything, now.#OP
Uh? (´･ω･`) You know Denko’s nickname?
Are you from school?
Things got a bit serious…
#OP
IF YOU’RE SAYING THINGS ABOUT DENKO AND ME THEN I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
I’LL FIND YOU I SWEAR#2ch
Eep…#2ch
Oh bajeezus.
I know he’ll do it, too.#2ch
uhuh
#2ch
i peed a little#2ch
There was no (´･ω･`)…GUYS HE’S SERIOUS!!!
OP-DENKO MEETING AT THE PARK: PICTURE THIS PART AS A JASON BOURNE ACTION SCENE
#OP
Ohh, I’m scared…
But I’ll write it now… I’m so glad there are so many people supporting me… (´･ω･`)
Um, after the stuff happened, I got called by “A-ko,” who was headed to Yoyogi Park as planned.
But the place was pretty large, so I couldn’t find the place she told me to go to.
All she wrote that it was a hilly place in Yoyogi Park…
#OP
But eventually I found the hilly place, and of course Denko was there.
I watched with a telescope and waited for a chance when she wouldn’t see me.
I thought A-ko was going to have Denko go to the store, but she suddenly said she wouldn’t do it unless I paid an additional 30,000 yen.
So of course I promised I’d pay 30,000 more, and she sent Denko to the store alone.
There was a road for bikes near where Denko was, but Denko looked toward me for some reason, and I impulsively got down on the ground… (´･ω･`)
#OP
Sorry for going off-topic. (´･ω･`)
So then Denko found me on the cycling road.
She looked back my way once or twice.
Then she ran with incredible speed toward me while I was squatting!
And I thought “Huh? Maybe I’ve cleared up the misunderstandings?”, stood up immediately, and waved at Denko as she ran toward me.
#OP
Okay, time to continue… (´･ω･`)
So I was waving at Denko waiting for her to come this way.
But then Denko threw her bag at me really hard, and I ducked to dodge it.
But in the next moment, Denko screamed and kicked me right in the chin.
It was so unlike her, it absolutely stunned me…
I never would have dreamed I’d get kicked by Denko.
So I quickly grabbed Denko’s hand to stop her rampaging.
Right? Since it was just a misunderstanding? (´･ω･`)#2ch
SHINING WIZARD!!
AND THERE IT IS! THE MOMENT THAT SPLIT MY GUTS, SO GOOD EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!
This is comedy gold.
That girl just performed a wrestling move on this guy out of sheer fight-or-flight, self-preservation, adrenaline-induced rage.
And believe it or not, after he got kicked in the chin, after he made the poor girl break down in tears, and her friend warned him to stay away, OP found this to be the right opportunity to confess IRL.
denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance
So the title of this thread was [Help!] I’m Not Sure Who I Like Anymore (´･ω･`)
I’m not sure about anything at this point, so I can finally relate on some level with the guy. Anyway, if you read through the original threads, you’ll see mentions of A-ko, a girl in Denko’s class who OP uses to buy information about Denko from. Well, our “hero” drops this banger on us late in the game.
#OP
Sorry, I’ll give more details.
So I asked A-ko for some advice?
And she was harsh. She said I had a 10% chance of getting with Denko at best.
Then I suddenly realized, maybe A-ko’s jealous of me… (´･ω･`)
And then it was so clear to me why A-ko was selling me information!
Maybe she just wanted to talk to me all along?Once I had that thought, I started to see A-ko’s kindness, and I realized my feelings were starting to shift toward A-ko a little… (´･ω･`)
Does anyone have experience loving two people at the same time?
I don’t know how to describe these feelings…#2ch
What?What?
Hamster guy mentioned a few threads back that he has no dating experience, and all he knows about romance comes from dating sims and h-games (I’ll let you Google that one yourself). It seems his brains have been broiled by said media and now he finds himself at the center of a little harem.
There’s some gross exchange over mail between OP and A-ko that, I have to admit, got a good laugh out of me and I won’t spoil it for you. Instead, I’ll post some replies where the 2ch users were taking the piss:
#2ch
Next thread:[Help!] My Girlfriend Is Suing Me (´･ω･`)
#2ch
With the way this guy thinks, it’d be more like this:
[Help!] My Lawyer-Brainwashed Girlfriend Is Suing Me (´･ω･`)#2ch
[Help!] The Police Are Here (´･ω･`)#2ch
[Help!] I’m Being Chased By My Girlfriend’s Friend (´･ω･`)
The plot continues and we get the indication that A-ko is faking being interested in a relationship with OP, but sends him a list of ‘terms and conditions’ on their relationship, implying this is all a ruse with financial gain as the end goal. Damn, I feel like a political commentator talking about this dipshit’s life.
Also, quick question: how did we get from “Oops, I sent 600 emails to this girl” to:
#OP
No emails, so I might have to send one myself… (´･ω･`)
It hurts… (´･ω･`)
I don’t have a vibrator, so I’ll have to go buy one from Don Quijote. Buh-bye!
Just asking.
I’ll let you read through the end, but I recommend reading vgperson’s epilogue there as it perfectly captures my feelings on the matter. Thing is that he keeps it pretty ambiguous about whether they think this was all real or not, but I promised I’ll share my opinion, so here we go.
SO THE VERDICT ISSSSSS…. 🥁🥁🥁
It’s fake. It’s fucking fake, Jesussssss.
Funny? Yes, I had a blast. Horrific? Also yes.
But ultimately, fake.
I hope it is fake. I pray it is. All signs say that it most likely is.
This being a forum thread, there’s no concrete evidence regarding the authenticity of all this, but if it wasn’t obvious right from the 600 emails that this is a troll post where everyone joined into roleplaying as the story unfolded, nor from all the ludicrous, inconsistent or downright illogical details which, mind you, included a college girl performing a wresting move on her stalker, then all I can say is… good luck out there, bud.
So what was the point I was also trying to make?
I know that younger people think only crusty-ass boomers fall for bait, but they’re no better, and I see it all the time. All the bait in posts, in comment sections, on YouTube, X/Twitter, on TikTok, Instagram etc, all that is swallowed hook, line, and sinker without fail.
At least this kind of trolling used to be done for “shits and giggles”, not that this makes it ok. But now, this behavior is incentivized by “gaming the algorithm”. Everyone has something to sell online, and if they don’t, they do it for “fame” or “owning the other side”. At this point, the incentive for lying and posting bait online is either the satisfaction of making the other person miserable or $5.35 in monthly revenue from views, both of which will lead to a generation of psychopaths, conditioned by internet algorithms.
And all this is on top of the fake information that various nations propagate online as part of hybrid warfare campaigns and propaganda operations.
Everything is fake online, even when it’s not. This is a good mindset to treat information received online, as it incentivizes critical thinking. Doubt everything, and when you see proof that you were wrong, rejoice, for you simply got inoculated with the antibodies required to navigate the internet these days.
The internet was supposed to be the democratization of information, but I think it did more harm than good in a lot of ways.
Maybe the internet was always destined to end up like this? It’s not like there are good’ol days to go back to; even in its early years, it was a wild west of the worst degree.
Shit, this got dark, and now I feel I’m not even making any point… Well, at least I hope you found the saga of Denko amusing, in a disturbing kind of way, so there’s that?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some emails to send.
Love,
Mannix (´･ω･`)
88 Gemstones 
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